Weighty issues

I struggle to control my weight and feel ok about where I am. A bunch of my friends remarked on how I had lost weight after Christmas, I hadn't noticed but maybe I had. Of course I then tried to look for the evidence. Did my clothes feel looser, had I eaten less, had I taken any more exercise? No, yes and possibly. Of course then I actively wanted to lose some more weight. Slow and steady right but I have the dregs of a bulimic mind. I, of course, get anxious about my food intake, which causes me to want to eat more and to feel out of control anytime I do eat. So I upped my exercise intake, took in more fruit and less refined sugar and started to feel good. Then my skin broke out in spots (could be due to my menstrual cycle but gut feeling says it's not that) and my exercise intake went back down again. But hoorah because I was still eating less refined sugar...until today. A child's party and a buffet full of creamy, oily food along with cake and sweets. I was overwhelmed and desperate to fit in. I ate more than I should from the buffet, devoured a huge piece of cake and some sweets. I then spent time thinking about whether I have been truly restricting or if I just overate. I can't decide which and it has been burning in my mind ever since. This is a day where recovery sucks.

I really do want to be just fit and healthy...and thin. Is it possible for all three to happen?

Parties

Parties. They still freak me out a bit. The food is overwhelming. I still succumb to those binge like moments. When  I saw a psych many, many moons ago she told me that my binges weren't really so much overeating as eating a meal sized portion or less of other foods. Foods like bombay mix are not a meal in themselves but they did make up a binge and high calorie foods help to keep the weight on. I am really attracted to crunchy food, I love feeling my teeth bite down, through and on something. I like the tastes of the crunchy food I choose. The salt, the sugar, the rush, the high. The need for more. The control for no more. It goes back and forth. So yes, recovery does not yet cover a certain level of anxiety about party food, about the need to skip a meal if I know I am going to one. Heck, recovery hasn't yet ceased the anxiety about spontaneous lunches at friend's houses if I ate breakfast that day. Recovery does not yet allow me to eat breakfast everyday comfortably or to eat dinner. Every. Single. Day. But recovery does allow me to not live in the perpetual cycle of binge-purge. Recovery has allowed me to say yes to those lunches with friends, deal with my anxiety and enjoy their company. Recovery has allowed me to enjoy my children, eat with them and feel ok. Recovery allowed me to have my partner trust me enough to have those children in the first place. I have a lot to be grateful for and today I went to a party.