Parties

Parties. They still freak me out a bit. The food is overwhelming. I still succumb to those binge like moments. When  I saw a psych many, many moons ago she told me that my binges weren't really so much overeating as eating a meal sized portion or less of other foods. Foods like bombay mix are not a meal in themselves but they did make up a binge and high calorie foods help to keep the weight on. I am really attracted to crunchy food, I love feeling my teeth bite down, through and on something. I like the tastes of the crunchy food I choose. The salt, the sugar, the rush, the high. The need for more. The control for no more. It goes back and forth. So yes, recovery does not yet cover a certain level of anxiety about party food, about the need to skip a meal if I know I am going to one. Heck, recovery hasn't yet ceased the anxiety about spontaneous lunches at friend's houses if I ate breakfast that day. Recovery does not yet allow me to eat breakfast everyday comfortably or to eat dinner. Every. Single. Day. But recovery does allow me to not live in the perpetual cycle of binge-purge. Recovery has allowed me to say yes to those lunches with friends, deal with my anxiety and enjoy their company. Recovery has allowed me to enjoy my children, eat with them and feel ok. Recovery allowed me to have my partner trust me enough to have those children in the first place. I have a lot to be grateful for and today I went to a party.