Losing Weight

I really want to lose weight but I'm terrified of where it takes me, of how it affects my thinking. The fact of the matter is that I only want to lose about half a stone. The reality is that I don't know how to do it without becoming all disordered. It makes me think that I should have learnt the tools somewhere to adjust my weight without slipping into some kind of confused hell that makes me obsessive and frantic about food input vs exercise output.

I obviously don't want to diet, can't do that but then how do I lose weight? I'm still trying to manage the dangerous pendulum of exercise. I want a tiny portion of the discipline that I had back when I was anorexic but without the actual illness. I don't want to remain as sedentary as I have done over the past year as it doesn't make me feel good at all.

I have a feeling that I may be slipping into some kind of depression or numbness as I literally cannot motivate myself to make the changes in my life that may make it better, easier. I say some kind of because I don't feel the deep despair that my depression had previously taken me to. I'm just not enjoying life as I should given I have so many new opportunitiees open to me. This is where I am in recovery, probably a bit stuck.

Weighty issues

I struggle to control my weight and feel ok about where I am. A bunch of my friends remarked on how I had lost weight after Christmas, I hadn't noticed but maybe I had. Of course I then tried to look for the evidence. Did my clothes feel looser, had I eaten less, had I taken any more exercise? No, yes and possibly. Of course then I actively wanted to lose some more weight. Slow and steady right but I have the dregs of a bulimic mind. I, of course, get anxious about my food intake, which causes me to want to eat more and to feel out of control anytime I do eat. So I upped my exercise intake, took in more fruit and less refined sugar and started to feel good. Then my skin broke out in spots (could be due to my menstrual cycle but gut feeling says it's not that) and my exercise intake went back down again. But hoorah because I was still eating less refined sugar...until today. A child's party and a buffet full of creamy, oily food along with cake and sweets. I was overwhelmed and desperate to fit in. I ate more than I should from the buffet, devoured a huge piece of cake and some sweets. I then spent time thinking about whether I have been truly restricting or if I just overate. I can't decide which and it has been burning in my mind ever since. This is a day where recovery sucks.

I really do want to be just fit and healthy...and thin. Is it possible for all three to happen?