I really want to lose weight but I'm terrified of where it takes me, of how it affects my thinking. The fact of the matter is that I only want to lose about half a stone. The reality is that I don't know how to do it without becoming all disordered. It makes me think that I should have learnt the tools somewhere to adjust my weight without slipping into some kind of confused hell that makes me obsessive and frantic about food input vs exercise output.
I obviously don't want to diet, can't do that but then how do I lose weight? I'm still trying to manage the dangerous pendulum of exercise. I want a tiny portion of the discipline that I had back when I was anorexic but without the actual illness. I don't want to remain as sedentary as I have done over the past year as it doesn't make me feel good at all.
I have a feeling that I may be slipping into some kind of depression or numbness as I literally cannot motivate myself to make the changes in my life that may make it better, easier. I say some kind of because I don't feel the deep despair that my depression had previously taken me to. I'm just not enjoying life as I should given I have so many new opportunitiees open to me. This is where I am in recovery, probably a bit stuck.
No comments:
Post a Comment