I caught up with an old school friend last night. He told me that he had fancied me at school but had been afraid to ask me out. He told me I was beautiful back then and still am today. That one comment made my night, has made my day. What a boost to my diminishing confidence. I was a different person back then, on the verge of my first foray into having an eating disorder. Before then I had just had disordered eating, although I hadn't realised it. It was like the slow decline of my personality, of the walls I had created all spiralled into an intense self loathing that I was unable to step away from for a long time. I talked about the aggression I had back in school with that friend. I'm not sure he had noticed partially because he was under my radar. He was a nice boy, I liked him but we weren't best of friends, I didn't hang out with him but I remembered him. My aggression was only directed at those who I noticed, those who got too close and myself.
The conversation made me think about the lost opportunities I have had to be loved or at least to feel liked. Maybe if I had been able to open up, to allow people, men to get close to me I wouldn't have felt the need to be so self destructive as I would have had some form of validation from elsewhere. Or maybe I wouldn't have been able to deal with the broken heart that dating would have inevitably have brought me. Who knows? At least I am able to treasure this latest form of validation and whilst I don't believe I am beautiful, it is nice to hear it.
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